Rethinking Codependence: When Caring Becomes Losing Yourself

The fear of being too much and not enough at the same time.

Codependency has been stigmatized in ways that miss the humanity that lies beneath it.

Love can be one of the most meaningful human experiences, until it starts to feel like a responsibility, or something you have to earn rather than enjoy. This label carries shame and is thrown around as if it’s a flaw or a sign of weakness. However, those who identify as “codependent” may not have known unconditional safety, and depend on their ability to manage others’ emotions.

You may find yourself anticipating needs before they’re spoken, softening your own

emotions and doing whatever it takes to hold everything together. When someone you love is

struggling with addiction for example, the instinct to help makes sense. You want to protect,

support and make it better. Fear can become the driver, and you might start fixing instead of

feeling even when you’re exhausted.

Codependent patterns start long before the relationship that exposes them. In

environments where love and safety feel conditional, we learn to be easygoing, helpful or

emotionally attuned in efforts to keep the peace. Maybe your worth was tied to your ability to

take on these roles, but you don’t stop needing love, you just learn to earn it. The problem is love

isn’t supposed to be earned. What we call codependency isn’t about loving too much, it’s about

surviving in relationships that didn’t always feel safe.

The word codependent gets thrown around in ways that invalidate the experience and

ignore the context that creates it. For people who have lived in chaos, it becomes hard for the

nervous system to distinguish between emotional and physical danger. Stillness can feel unsafe,

boundaries can feel like rejection and rest can feel like failure. In spaces marked by instability,

the roles get reversed and we become experts at sensing shifts and diffusing conflict before it

arises. These behaviors are protective and form for good reason.

Healing them isn’t about unlearning how to care, it’s about remembering that care

shouldn’t cost your sense of self. Beneath these survival skills is often grief for the time spent trying to be loved in ways that silence you. From the outside, composure and showing up looks like strength... But sometimes caring is the very thing that erases you. You start measuring your

worth by how much you can hold for other people. We’re wired for connection, but when

belonging requires self-abandonment, it creates a dilemma: How do I stay true to myself without

losing others? Letting others have feelings without trying to fix them does not mean we need to

detach or become hyper-independent. When you stop rescuing, it can feel like you’re abandoning

someone, when really, you’re returning to yourself.

Therapy can be a space to build inner-safety with an understanding of how codependent

dynamics once kept you safe. Unlearning survival tactics leaves room to practice new

approaches to interpersonal relationships that are rooted in mutual respect. This may look like

turning this care inwards, developing an understanding of what you need, and believing that it

matters. What we label as codependency is evidence of how deeply you have tried to love in

unsafe conditions. Healing asks that you bring that same depth inwards and hold yourself with

the same compassion you offer others.